Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
