do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
