just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
there's paper in my vomit.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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