I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
