HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Randomize
