I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
