woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
