You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We have so much sex to catch up on
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
