i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
