genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
