apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
