If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
