I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
