I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Holy sore nipples Batman
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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