i may or may not be watching the land before time
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
