I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
