what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
