....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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