not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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