i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
