You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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