1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
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So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
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It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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