Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
