I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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