Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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