all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
