The best revenge is premature balding
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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