Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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