Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
