We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
