her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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