He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
