Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
i now understand why vodka
You were trust falling into bushes
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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