I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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