I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
