Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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