I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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