Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
