He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
