Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
