Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
