Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
