Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
