Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We don't watch enough power rangers
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
