we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
