just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
