He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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