honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
