somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
