you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
