Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
