So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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