started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
