Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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