One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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