i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
