So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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