i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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