stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
