The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
