Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
