I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
