man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
